I'm afraid of laughter

Trigger warning: Something along the lines of bullying.

Sometimes I have problems coming up with things and writing things on here.

I'm afraid to ask for help.

I'm afraid of people learning my secrets.

I am afraid that they will know that I am not good enough.

I've always been afraid.

I would only ever write my diary in code, because otherwise, someone might read it and someone might know my thoughts. My secret words.

And maybe they would laugh.

My youngest cousin thought we were laughing at him (and we were, but it was just because it was so cute how he said something, and maybe hopefully we were more laughing with him than at him, but it still probably wasn't the nicest) and he cried and cried because he thought we were making fun of him. (But then we stopped once he got upset and it makes me wonder if anything other than puns and plays on words and is safe to laugh at or is it all secretly hurtful to someone and should we stop?)

And it can hurt when people laugh.

I'm afraid of people learning my secrets.

Because then they will know what can hurt me.

Instead of just making fun of the silly things I do. Things that don't really matter. Like the way I walk, the way I stand, the way I pronounce things...

That isn't important.

I can handle that.

I've learned to.

Sometimes I even encourage it (because then I can control what they laugh at, and also because sometimes the things I do end up being funny to me, too. That's usually the goal when I tell people about things that happened to me, in fact. Sometimes I do funny things.)

But if I tell people my secrets

and they laugh

I don't think I could handle that.

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