trigger warning: brief mention of sex (Is this something that gets a trigger warning? I still haven't figured these out, I believe.)
Words have secret second meanings.
I do not like them (these secret meanings)
(because)
I don't really understand how they work.
(I do like words. They are lovely and beautiful.)
And with all these secret double meaning words, I can't find any comprehensive lists. I want an ability to use my words and have them mean exactly what I want to say. Words are already tricky, especially in conversation. (For a much better description of words and troubles using them (especially in conversation), please read
Words by E. at The Third Glance. That is very similar to me and how I see words*). (If it's written, I'm such a fast reader that I usually have time to read things a few times to figure out some of these tricks.)
For instance, I spend a lot of time in closets. They are small dark spaces. They are another set of doors to provide a barrier between the noises. People often don't think to look for you in them. The first two nights I was in an apartment ever, I slept in the closet. (The room was too bright, even with the blinds closed, and too loud. The closet door was an additional layer of dark and quiet.) I like closets. They are safe and small and quiet. But you can sometimes get into trouble when talking about hiding in closets (by trouble, I mean difficulty conveying my actual message and other resulting communication errors).
It also took me a very long time before I connected "sexual intercourse" which was explained to me very early in life, along with basics of human reproduction, with "sex" the thing people made jokes about and was something secret).
There are tons of words that I have categorized into my "have a second meaning that makes people laugh at me so I don't say them list". (Words like big, bigger, putting things into things, and such... It makes it very difficult to discuss things) (and there are more) (I've also just generally come to the conclusion that if there is something I don't understand, it is most likely a sex reference.)
And I do intellectually understand how words get second meanings and third meanings, and that sometimes it might not be wise or even safe to say things explicitly. And I know a lot of language and communication is in the look and feel of the words (and I do love repeating words over and over again--echolalia!) but I also just so frequently don't understand.
It's still tricky and imprecise.
It still doesn't help all that much.
I can usually just fade out of the conversation when I get confused (or if I am with people who know me well or if it is important, I will ask.) It just makes language less precise.
~~~~~
*Except I am not afraid of dogs, I love them, but that is not really at all relevant.
Labels: autism, autistic?, me, my brain, talking, talking problems, words