Today I went to a marathon.
Boyfriend ran it, not me.
And he was awesome.
Today I went and watched and waited.
And then was good and quiet.
Today is not about me.
Today is about boyfriend.
AND I NEED TO HIDE.
When the only help I can give is staying away.
Because other people upset makes me upset. Sometimes more upset. More tired.
And there should be days where it is about you.
And I want it to be oh so bad. And I want to be able to go and cheer for you. To go stand in crowds and yell and have signs. To meet you at the end and not end up curling up in a ball covering my ears in the meeting place while you were stretching.
I want there to be days about you, where I can help and stand in the background and support you. Where you don't need to worry about me freaking out about the crowds. Where you just have to worry about getting your stuff done, and where I am there to take care of small tasks so you have even less to worry about.
I want to be able to help when you are upset.
I want to be able to help when you are tired.
I want to be able to help when you are sad.
I want you to, when you are hurt or sick or stressed, to only have to worry about you. To not debate about telling me or not because I might freak out and then that will be more work for you. I want to be able to help you the way you help me when I am hurt and sick and stressed.
I want to be able to help in a way besides staying away.
I want to be useful.
And I want to cry.
And I need to hide.
And I'm trying to hide my need to stim furiously, because you know my stressed stimming and my about-to-panic stimming and I don't want you to know.
Because you are tired and you are awesome and today should just be about you.
And this is something I hate most about myself. The apparent inability I have to support others. The absolute panic and meltdown and freeze and mess I get into when it needs to be about them, not about me. I need to help when others are hurting or tired, not to just feel their pain and be overwhelmed and make everything worse.
But I mostly make it to my room ok and then I avoid telling you on the internet that I am so tired and melted. (Because YOU deserve the being tired after running 26.2 miles.) (It's ok for me to be tired, too.) (But it's your day, so it's not ok for me to fuss.) But you read this blog, so you'll know eventually.
But really, all I want is for you to know all the time, too, so that you can fix things and make them better and make it so I'm not crying in a ball on the floor.
But today should be about you, so I'm not telling you today.
Because you need to sleep, not stay up helping me. And I will be ok for tonight.
I want to be able to help besides just staying away. But I don't think I can. So I'm just going to stay away for a while, and give you time to rest and catch up.
Labels: autism, boyfriend, emotions, LOUD, me, melt, sensory, sports, stimming