Bouncing off the walls. Mostly off the desk, actually, because my neighbors are asleep downstairs, or if they aren't, it is 12:46 and they have the right to not hear bouncing and pounding on the ceiling (and I don't mind bouncing off the desk.) Flapping my knees up and down while sitting crisscross.
This sort of movement means something is wrong. I don't have a word for this feeling.
I check my flow chart and it tells me I am probably tired so I should go to sleep.
It doesn't have a solution for when I don't want to go to sleep.
I don't particularly have one either.
Maybe I should go to sleep.
Sleep is a good thing.
I know how to go to sleep.
I can hear the world around me.
Can you hear the sounds of the world?
I haven't quite figured out what they all are.
There's a constant faint hum/buzzing noise. Maybe it's the freeway, but I think that's a few miles away, so it shouldn't be that. It sounds more like a generator. I hear hums and buzzes all over the world that no one else seems to hear.
I used to think I could hear the world breathing.
The humming noise has been joined by the sounds of my apartment. Stream of consciousness never worked well for me because I can only type one at once. I need a high-throughput thought machine, a next-gen sequencer that can sequence my thoughts in real time. Then lay them out. Fancy computer cores dedicated to analyzing them. To finding the patterns. Figure out what all the intergenic regions are in my thoughts. I think I am taking this analogy too far.
It's 12:53. I should sleep.
Bad news bears.
sad sad sad sad.
jump leg jump
bounce and bounce and bounce
I can hear the lights and the heaters and thats ok. There's so many sounds.
This doesn't happen every night. But it happens often.
I do not like falling asleep.
I am bad at it.
But it is necessary.
(That sleep thing.)
And this isn't just a sleep thing because this doesn't just happen at night. I wrote half of this months ago, during daytime, and it's the same movement today.
I don't have a word for this feeling. I don't like it particularly. I have a tendency when I move like this to start googling solutions to my problems. Not in a helpful way. But more in a "I type my answers into the google search box and hit enter and weird things come up." I know that's not how google works. I know typing "oh hey autism words and stuff" will not probably tell me anything. Although the first link was Nattily's post "Oh Right, It's Not Just Autism" so that part was cool.
It did not tell me the words for what this is though.
Because I want a name because maybe then I could find a solution.
It is a general apathetic view on life, but not with the lack of motion that apathy is. Apathy looks different. It's much floppier and tan. It's wanting to go do everything but not being able to get up and start anything. It is uselessness. It feels like uselessness and the ideas of uselessness look. It's the motions of uselessness. (Not of me being useless, but just the ideas of uselessness. It's sort of confusing, but it makes sense to me. Admittedly, it's also 1:30AM.) That's not quite the right word, but it's closer than apathetic. It's disorganization and no way to solve it.
Maybe I just need to start reading again. Up through high school, I used to read at least one book a day. I've got lots of book here. All my books. Maybe I need to read a book every day. Maybe that will be the solution.
It's frustrating.
I do not like this jittery bouncing-ness.
I should go to sleep.
I tried googling what am I feeling when I am bouncing apathetic and uselessness.
Google does not really have good answers for this.
Just like when I google what should I have for dinner, google never tells me the answer.
(Because that's not what google is for.)
I wish I had words for this or answers for this.
I should go to bed. Or at least go to my bed. I can pick out a book and read it in bed under all the covers with only the small light that I can turn off without getting out of bed. I have all my books here. My good safe books.
Pjs. Brush teeth. Retainer. Lights off. Get into bed. Under covers. Read.
That is what I will do.
I will publish this at 1:35 and get ready for bed and then go sit in my bed with a book I have read hundreds of times until I am still and until I can fall asleep. And in the morning I will find solutions. Or at least later in the day or year or some point in time.
~~~
P.S.
Also, I sort of want to make a note about things here. I feel like I've gotten really sloppy in all my writing on here. Lots of breaks with lines instead of writing much in whole paragraphs. Disjointed writing and disjointed words. I sort of feel weird putting up some of the sloppy, messy stuff, but really, I can put up whatever I want here about myself because it is my blog and I think it is still useful for me to write this stuff even if it is disjointed things that don't become really coherent ever. I'm ok enough and I'll figure things out sort of eventually and hopefully soon I'll be able to write in paragraphs like a real adult again (slash I will have to be writing paper summaries and stuff, although usually science writing I'm pretty good at at any given time.) Anyway yeah.... Stuff and words and all that.Labels: asperger's, autism, coping mechanism, dessert, disability, emotions, me, my brain, stimming, this blog, words