Warning for mentions of suicide/depression
my number friends have faded
I can't tell if it is the antidepressants
or if we've just grown apart
I no longer spend time and days and dreams
There used to be beautiful complex ideas or colors
or sounds or feelings or something that words now just can’t recreate that
missing sensation linked up to the words and now it is mostly gone
The colors and sounds and feel of the rest of the
There’s only a few that I remember
the dependablity of 24 like drawers and boxes and storage
colors and curves of egotistical
for the end result of happiness
for wanting to stay alive
because not wanting to live makes the colors seem
enjoying a less colorful world is better than not
enjoying one at all
sometimes I miss the links and strings and
connections that faded away
maybe someday I’ll recover
I feel like my synesthesia has faded since I started taking antidepressants. As side effects go, it is live-able with. I didn't really notice it for the longest time, until I started reading up on some other things people were saying about synesthesia, and realizing that's sort of how things used to be... but not anymore... I suppose it could also be unrelated to the antidepressants, because I don't have any strict sort of time scale.
But I think that is the story I am going to stick to (in my head and on the internet, because this isn't something I really talk about much in real life), because then it seems like a choice, instead of just another thing I thought of that I don't belong in. I don't want to be on the edge of something, where I was almost good enough. And given the choice between the connections and not wanting to die, I would choose happiness every time.
So even though I miss the mixed-up jumble of senses and sometimes get confused as to why something is incomplete, I'll stick with my antidepressants for now. It's an annoying side effect, but practically the only long-term one I have noticed, so I think otherwise things are working out.
Labels: depression, my brain, poetry, Random, synesthesia