I need to be able to live somewhere that I am not afraid of leaving my room. I need to live somewhere that I feel safe in the whole living area. That I can go in the kitchen whenever I want to. I am paying rent for half an apartment, but I'm afraid to use most of it. It's an irrational fear, and afraid might not be the absolute best word for it, but it is the best word I can find right now.
Often, I won't leave my room if I know my roommate is in the kitchen/living/dining room. This has negative effects on my eating habits. I can't schedule my meals because I never know if she will be outside her room that day and I will need to make something quick so that I don't have to stay in the kitchen long if she is out there. Even though I know this is irrational and there is no reason why I can't use the kitchen if she is in the living room, it is just something that cannot happen, except on the best of days. Even if it isn't a physical barrier, it is still something that prevents me from eating. It is still a real barrier for me.
I want to state clearly that this is in no way my roommate's fault. She is a good roommate. She respects my space and doesn't come into my room ever unless she has something important to tell me (like the oven is still on, or the timer is going off, or I got mail here it is). She doesn't eat the food that is specifically mine, and splits the bills on the food we share, like bread and milk. She pays the internet bill on time so that we have internet always, which is important. Admittedly, sometimes she doesn't do the dishes, but that is something I also do. When I told her that I do better with initiating conversations written, she started asking me over g-chat or facebook chat about things like paying my half of the internet bill.
The things that bother me are things she can't really help. For instance, she had a really bad cough for months. I recognized that was not something she was doing consciously to annoy me, and it probably was worse for her than it was for me. But that still didn't stop it from hurting my head every time I heard a cough, from distracting me so that I couldn't concentrate on anything.
But mainly, it is her presence.
And I feel absolutely, positively horrible for saying this, because she is a nice girl. She's one of my friends from undergrad and she's also doing a Ph.D here. And her program doesn't seem to be full of nearly as many lovely, friendly people as my program and I know she is having a hard time with it. My time at school/work is full of friendly interactions with fun people and hers is not.
But I need to move out.
I need to live somewhere I feel safe.
Somewhere where I am in control of the whole living area.
Somewhere that allows pets so that I can have a cuddly, snuggly friend.
But I feel horrible about abandoning her. Even though I'm not leaving until the lease is up (or at least close to it. I can't pay two leases on a grad student stipend.) Even though we lease through student housing so she can stay here and still pay the same rent and they will probably put someone new in this apartment so that will be good because she will not be alone and generally gets along well with people. And also just that we won't live together doesn't mean that we can't be friends.
And sometimes I talk to her and it is nice and fun and good. And happy even. And then I think that maybe I could handle this, that maybe I am being selfish and antisocial and lazy and if I just started spending more time not in my room I would feel safe in those parts. That it is just me being a horrible, lazy, selfish person.
But it isn't selfish to want to be safe. It isn't selfish to want to be able to make myself food on bad or tired days.
Labels: adventures in apartment living, autism, being safe is ok, change, cooking, food, friends, grad school