A while ago, I ran away from home. True, I am an adult. An independently living adult. So you might not strictly call what I did running away. You could call it "taking a walk to clear my head."
But it was really running away.
It was a panic, that resulted in a pretty much nonverbal me running out barefoot into the neighborhood. After about half an hour, I was able to talk myself into going back to my apartment for shoes, a coat, and my phone.
Shoes, coat, phone.
Shoes, coat, phone.
Shoes, coat, phone.
Then I was off again.
I know to walk if I am able to walk instead of run. I know the ways to walk so no one asks you questions or if you are lost or asks for directions. I know how to wander aimlessly while looking like I am walking purposely. Because walking purposely protects you from the people that would stop and ask you questions that I would be unable to answer. (Admittedly, now that I live in a city, I suppose I am less likely to run into random people I know, or just nice other people who ask if you are ok, but that was a threat in undergrad.)
I knew to walk east and north. Always walk east and north. (This is a purely safety reason, because the neighborhoods south or west are not as nice of neighborhoods.)
So I walked east and north, aimlessly but with purpose, to get away, to escape my mind.
Eventually, I had calmed down enough to sit down on some steps and send a help message.
"Ran away but went back for shoes and phone so ok walking campus now not safe (physically ok) but cant go back home again tried once help maybe"
And boyfriend called and talked me through, even when I wasn't talking, and talked to me about little things about the week until I had words back and was able to walk back home past the motorcycle crash and the angry people and the police back to my apartment back to my room and be safe again. And he stayed and talked me through to safety.
And that is why I love him.
If he hadn't called back, I'm sure I would have eventually calmed down enough to get my words back. I am not sure where I would have been able to go, or hide. I would have kept walking east and north, until I hit the lake. And kept walking. Not into the lake, but somewhere. Eventually the cold might have reminded me to go home, but I've walked for hours while it was snowing before because of similar panic. (I usually loop around a relatively small area, though. So I won't walk one direction for hours, but I would walk the same paths around campus for hours in the snow.)
When things get to be completely overwhelming, I hide or run. Hiding usually comes first. If there is nowhere to hide, then I will run. I've been in a hallway before for a professor-networking-dinner-event, then the next thing I know I am literally halfway across campus, running. At a certain point, it becomes something out of my control. That is why it is good I spent my first adventures into living alone in undergrad on a campus without a lot of streets criss-crossing it.
I am afraid that one day I will panic and run out of lab in the middle of an experiment. Or run out of a meeting or run out of my (in the far indefinite future) thesis defense. Most of all, I am afraid I will run out into the street.
So I look for hiding places, for safe places, for places that I can go in a panic. Ways to hide instead of run. I've found several of them. There are quiet rooms full of rarely used equipment. There are the wells under the desk (although people could find me there, but it is a small space). There are always bathrooms.
I wish that I could say definitively that one day I will grow out of the running. That I will be able to just stop it. That I will be able to manage things so that they are in control and so that it never happens. I'm afraid one day I might be watching my (potential far-distant) children and get so overwhelmed I run away, leaving them who knows where. I don't think I will. I tend to prefer to hide, if at all possible. I want to be able to manage myself better, to know when I am close to overwhelming, to know when I can push myself and when I need to stop. I think I'm generally getting better. But these full-out-panic-don't-remember-runnings didn't happen all that frequently to begin with. (Possibly because usually I can hide.)
Labels: asperger's, autism, autistic?, boyfriend, college, coping mechanism, grad school, me, meltdown, my brain, running away, talking problems