There's been finals and papers. I'm going home Monday.
I have to figure out which lab I am joining at some point.
I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHICH LAB I AM JOINING.
AKA WHERE I AM GOING TO SPEND THE NEXT 5-7+ years of my life doing science.
Scientists are bad at communication
but so am I
(because I am a scientist)
so that has all been a stress-mess of no one knowing what is going on
Every time I have talked to someone it has become a bigger mess. So I will be leaving Monday for two weeks probably with no real idea of what I am going to do when I get back.
For the last week or so, I have had to step evenly on every crack on the sidewalk on my way to work or else my feet get uneven and that is bad. Even when I wear my big thick running shoes, even when I don't look down, I can tell. (And the sidewalks are horribly sized sections so there is no good way to walk... it's about one and a half strides per block no way to make it even ever). So it's been a tough week.
So in the midst of procrastinating on this work, I have been posting some posts. But then I've also been reading other ones. And I got worried so incredibly worried about hurting other people. I would rather a million times be forced to the point of hiding and stress and bad things than hurt someone else. I contemplated deleting everything I have ever written. I contemplated just deleting some posts. I contemplated adding disclaimers to everything ever. So in this panic, I decided that the easiest temporary solution was to just hide it all. Not to delete anything or edit anything that I might regret later. But to just block it all from everyone but me.
So I changed my privacy settings, and tried to forget about it, because I had other things that I needed to worry about this week.
So I hid from the internet for a while.
Because hiding is one of my favorite defense mechanisms. It isn't really the best one, in terms of effectiveness or long-term-effects or really defensibility, but it is easy when things are hard. And it is a way to postpone things until brains can work again.
This morning, I realized that maybe I should have said something about why I went away, but I didn't know how to have just one page publicly available. I tried initially when I hid things, but it was too much and I just needed things to be hidden and safe. Because if no one can read what I write, no one can get hurt. So this morning I posted on facebook a rather delayed message about my hiding.
But, I think overall this blog is a good thing. It's good for me. I've made friends through it. (As boyfriend said in his infinite wisdom and good words ability) I've " learned a lot about yourself and gotten good affirmation and confirmation over the blog."So I will change the privacy settings back so that anyone can read it again. I will keep up my posts. I will be ok with the fact that some posts are messy, that some things I have are rough ideas, that the writing is not always perfect. I will try to come back from hiding, because avoiding good things does not seem like a way I want to come back from life.
"And if people get upset they don't have to read it"
Labels: autism, being safe is ok, grad school, me, running away, this blog