Warning: I'm going to just be generally mean and insulting and not politically correct at all and assume all sorts of privilege and make all sorts of assumptions and not care at all about other people's point-of-views or stories or background or anything. SO PLEASE DON'T MENTION THAT AT ALL BECAUSE I AM AWARE OF IT AND I DON'T CARE RIGHT NOW! But this is my personal blog, so really I can say stupid offensive mean things if I want to and no one can stop me. I guess they can stop reading.
So guys, I'm in graduate school.
I'm taking two classes and rotating through a lab.
My classes are supposed to be really hard.
I've learned essentially EVERYTHING already. (Not quite, there was a cool bit about specifics in DNA mutations and different ways they occur at the biochemical level which I didn't recognize and which was interesting.)
But for goodness sakes.
I'm in a genetics class.
At one of the top universities in the country.
And we are learning about complementation and recombination.
And people are confused.
These are topics we learned in our sophomore genetics class. I took it sophomore year, and TAd junior and senior year. I know sophomores in college can do it. Even the not particularly bright ones. I know because I tutored the ones who were failing the class. It was a required class to be a biology major at my university.
And most people who took it didn't go to grad school. Some didn't get in. Some didn't get into anything.
So guys, it really isn't hard.
It's a basic concept of biology.
HOW have you not learned it earlier?
And classes are so long and I have to sit through them and take notes and be a good student because professors have to like me so I can eventually get a good lab and a good thesis committee and graduate at a decent time and get a real job and a real life and make everything work out fine.
But I am sitting in class.
Which I have to attend.
Because we get PARTICIPATION POINTS.
For TALKING ABOUT RECOMBINATION.
Or other stupid stuff.
And I want to scream.
And class is an hour and a half.
And then on Thursdays we have late night discussions. (Well, there was an option between Friday afternoon or Thursday night, but I had lab meeting at that time and I couldn't miss that because I have to be an awesome rotation student so that the PI will like me and accept me into lab and also if I don't go to lab meetings I won't have a complete feel for the lab.) It started at 7. And it was raining and I couldn't find my umbrella this morning so I couldn't go home to eat the beef stew I had in the crockpot. (But I thought I might have run out of time so I took snacks so it was ok.)
And I was so annoyed and mad during the discussion and it got longer and longer and I had to keep sitting the WHOLE TIME and even though I had a piece of string to stim with the whole time and was doing that and tying knots basically the whole discussion it was just NOT OK.
AND THEN THE DISCUSSION RAN OVER TIME. Even though it started early. Because people were SOOOOO confused. And then I had to walk home in the dark, WHICH I HATE DOING. And in the rain. Because my umbrella is gone. So I got home at 8:30.
(But I made a lovely dinner and I still can't eat it because I am so mad still that I can't leave my room because my roommate is there and I would have to talk to her and that wouldn't work.)
And I hate anger and strong emotions because they make me yell to myself when I walk home and they end in meltdown. All strong emotions end in meltdown. Especially the bad ones. And even though I like the people in my program, I am surprised that they are all stupid. Or uninformed.
And I hate having to keep myself from melting down in a classroom. Or on the walk home IN THE DARK. And having to hide in my room.
That is all.
Oh and I came home and went to my room and the stupid curtain roll up thing which fell off this morning is still on the floor because I hate it too and it is hard to put up and it is so stupid and ugly and nonfunctional and crumply and I still don't have blackout curtains.
Labels: autism, grad school, meltdown, Random, rant, stimming