One thing I've noticed since deciding officially I'm autistic is that I seem to have a lot more circumstances where I lose the ability to talk or where it becomes very difficult. It seems to happen at an unusual frequency, recently.
There are several explanations:
1) This time also coincides with my general move across the country, so maybe life has been more stressful than normal and so that is why I lose my words.
2) It's all in my head as something I made up along with my ideas about being autistic. And if I tried harder I would be able to talk.
3) I just notice it more, and then do something about it (like switch communication modes or take a break), instead of just becoming more and more upset by it until I meltdown and then the meltdown covers the lack of talking.
Of these options, 1 is probably a factor. I would like to believe in 3. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I believe in 2 instead. Because really, it does seem strange to me the idea of just not being able to talk. Because I can talk. So why would I not be able to talk sometimes? And also, the idea of not being able to talk is scary. So I would rather just be lazy or a jerk.
3 is a good thing, though. If it is real, it is a totally positive benefit of the autism label. So I'm going to try to go with that one instead.
Labels: autism, autistic?, change, me, talking, talking problems