I keep getting pressured into dancing. And into pretending that I like dancing.
But I can feel the music. I can feel the sounds. It is so loud that right now I am hiding in the basement in these nice comfy chairs and I can still feel the music.
The microphones for the speeches weren't all working properly, so some of them had a buzzing continuous feedback sound that sounded like my head was in a bubble but also felt like a lighter but longer version of skinning your knee on gravel. Except instead of skinning your knees, it is your ears and your head and your brains that are being skinned.
But it was a fun weekend. A fun. Use weekend with lots of social interactions. In a beautiful, hilly forested, out of the city location. I could see stars again. And there was a lake and we went paddle boating and I had a big bed and there we're so many good things.
There were science talks and I got to meet so many more people in my program and hang out more with the other first years. I met some of the older students. I learned about all the cool things that everyone does and works on (AND THERE'S SO MUCH!) also meals scheduled in which means 2 days in a row of me eating regular meals.
I avoided reaching meltdown point completely at any given time this whole weekend. I got close on several occasions, but always recognized it and gave myself a break. And that is something I am proud of. (When my vision stops focusing and I realize I haven't talked in half an hour, it is generally a good time for a break. Looking at posters with text and diagrams made it easy to realize the blurrd vision, too.)
But I also fell asleep on Friday night in a chair during the poster session. Like completely asleep. In a chair (it was a comfortable one, admittedly. In fact it is the chair I am sitting in right now.) And I am not a person who sleeps easily. Or well at all in the normal scheme of things. But that is how exhausting the day was.
Because people are exhausting. I like them, but they are exhausting. I was explaining this to one of the other girls as we were walking somewhere why I just fell asleep last night instead of going to the party, and I told her I was just so tired from all the social. And she told me she was an introvert too and she understood.
So it was pretty close, but sometimes I just want to scream well actually I am autistic so I need to go home now and sleep.
And people generally don't seem upset when I take breaks or don't go places. They still talk to me and hang out with me when I am there. They only seem concerned a couple times, and that is usually because they are checking to make sure that I don't feel left out. And if I assure them that I am fine and just taking a break, they seem fine.
Except for the dancing. Dancing is something I don't really understand. Or particularly enjoy. There are a few select groups of people pretty much all related to me in which I can enjoy dancing in certain occasions. To not loud music. But in general, I am not a fan of dancing at all. (I didn't expect that it would show up so much at official graduate school retreat/Mimi conference events. But my school likes to dance apparently, to loud music, including the 60 year old professors. It is intriguing.)
Anyway, that is what I am up to this weekend. I should rob ably return to the loud room soon since I am the DD and I don't want anyone to think I just abandoned them there, since I have just taken a 30 minute (lovely) break.
And tomorrow is daylight savings! So an extra hour of sleep!
Labels: asperger's, autism, emotions, fitting in, grad school, synesthesia