I process things better when I have them written out.
I can write things down that I don't know I am thinking. Then I can go back and read them and figure things out.When I write things, I can think and pause and hold a thought. I can keep it there longer, work around it more precisely, than I could if I was just thinking alone. I can write things that there is no way on earth I would ever be able to say. Emotional things are hard to say. They are hard to write, too, but it is better that way.
If I write out my thoughts, I can see them. I can tell what they are. I can organize them and make them into something that makes sense.
Some parts I am sure will always be messy. Because thoughts are a bit messy, I think inherently.
I write to see myself think.
I write people letters and long emails and short emails and text and gchat. I love text-based communication forms. Now, don't get me wrong, I do thoroughly enjoy skyping (and even talking on the phone with) boyfriend and parents, but that is an exception. They know my communication style. They can understand me when I talk fast. They know there will be long pauses on the phone(which apparently there are. I was unaware of this until the diagnostic interview).
Boyfriend and I write each other letters about important discussions. About big ideas. About worries and struggles. I have gotten better at talking about them (and sometimes things really should be resolved more quickly than an exchange of letters). But in these letters, these conversational pieces, these documented histories, there are communication.
And sometimes, especially on sensitive issues, I think it works better. I can say things I think might upset him and he has the ability to read it in private. It gets rid of the defensive reflexive angry response that can sometimes come when you feel threatened. Because it creates pauses. We have time to thing and digest the ideas before we respond to them.
Admittedly, boyfriend sits down and types up and outline for his letters, while I scrawl mine out in my half print/half cursive writing with notes in the margins and arrows redirecting ideas all over. It is a messy process for me.
But thoughts are messy, sometimes even ideas that have been thought of for days a can be messy. Dreams and fears are messy.
Too messy sometimes to be said verbally.
But I can almost always write them out. And that is enough.
Labels: autism, boyfriend, emotions, me, my brain, talking, talking problems, words