I spent 2 hours the day before Christmas Eve researching parchment paper. The lack of parchment paper was my big decision in what I should make for Christmas Eve dinner dessert.
I was worried that buying parchment paper would be against my moral beliefs because it would be wasteful and thus I would then destroy the environment. But I also really wanted to make cream puffs and they get easily destroyed if they stick. All the recipes said to use parchment paper. But it seemed wasteful.
My mom went to the store and bought some in 15 minutes. Parchment paper is relatively inexpensive. One roll of parchment paper will not destroy the environment. But I needed someone else to make that decision. I was stuck. I was in the middle of a catastrophizing loop. It is silly to spend hours researching parchment paper. I was not having fun. It was no good.
I need feedback. I thrive on justifications, on confirmations, on affirmations. I am so afraid I am doing the wrong thing, I need to hear that I am on track. That the things I am doing are not really horrible things. That the world will not end if I do something.
I am desperately seeking approval for all my plans. I can do things without consulting people first, I just do not like to. I like to double check to make sure my plan is reasonable, that I haven't made any horrible oversights. That there isn't an easy solution I am completely ignoring or overlooking.
I tell my friends I am happy they are my friends. I tell them this explicitly. I give specific reasons. I always am insecure of if my friends really want me around, so I figure maybe sometimes they are too.
Usually I don't get stuck on buying parchment paper. Usually I can function relatively well independently.
I tell my friends I am happy they are to stay alive. I tell them to be safe. I tell them to stay alive. I do this because sometimes I needed reminders to stay alive, but most of them didn't know it quite then, because it am very secretive with my pain. I want them to stay alive. I want them to know others know this, too. Sometimes I do this to people who are not close friends.
It is ok if they think I am silly for this. I would much prefer them think that than actually be in a place where they need reminders that other people want them alive. Because that place is not a good place, and I don't want any of my friends to be there.
I worry that boyfriend has died sudden horrible deaths, (death by falling icicles is a current concern) so I send him frequent I love you texts. To check if he is still alive. He responds relatively quickly, usually, which is good. Sometimes I explicitly ask him if he is alive. And tell him to stay safe.
I am afraid of being stuck alone in life. Of making such horrible mistakes that I will be left to destroy myself alone.
When I am asking people are they alive, I want them to know that I care about them. That they are important to me. And that I want them to know that they are important to me.
I don't quite know if they understand that this is what I am saying to them, when I say this.
I'm not quite sure where I am going with this.
No definite ending, I guess.
by Musings of an Aspie
Labels: asking for help, boyfriend, emotions, fear, friends, me