So, I'm actually ok now, I think. I wrote this a while ago. Like on the order of months to years. But this is the thing I am most afraid of. (Well, depression coming back and also getting addicted to things.*) And so here is a weird-colored-visual-idea of it.
I can feel myself melting
The one I just climbed out
It’s like turning a heater
on a world made of crayons
just slips down into the ground
the pretty colors all turn brown
And there’s nothing to do.
No way to escape.
down too far to find the switch off.
wax burns and it is impossible to climb.
So yeah. That was a thing. I don't really remember large chunks of my junior year for
this reason. I've just been thinking about it because I need to renew my anti-depressant/anxiety prescription (which I really was supposed to do in October, but the pharmacy made a mistake in the order when I asked if I could get a two month supply for my trip to Europe* this summer, and so they basically tripled the amount I was able to get, which was cool and convenient for me.) Because even though I think I would probably be ok now... I should probably wait for spring. Wait for the sun to come out and wait for boyfriend not to be working 6 days a week
. And for it not to be a new quarter because beginnings are hard and scary.
But talking to therapists is scary. And making appointments is scary. And usually even after the short-meet-to-renew-prescription-appointments, they ended in needing to just sit and cry in my room with boyfriend there for a while. (Even with the second one who was good and not scary mean like the first one.) But that really won't be possible at all because of schedules and also just because of how far away my room is. I suppose I have a month left so I have some time to build up some spoons to do this. To plan and discuss.
Anyway, there's my cheerful little update.
*My family gets addicted to things quickly and easily. Both sides. In fact, both sides for at least one of my parents too. Which is why I have very careful rules regarding my allowed alcohol consumption. And why I do not like taking drugs. Even prescription ones that are good for me. Although also I am just really bad at swallowing pills and it usually takes me a couple tries in the morning. And then half of the time I forget and I have to come back home after I already started walking and it's just no fun. And also I don't know how I am supposed to dispose of old pill bottles, so I just have large collections of them.
**That and graduation were actually why I needed to get back on them again in the first place. Because change. Change and me are not friends.
Labels: depression, me, poetry, synesthesia