One of the things I am most afraid of is making other people upset or angry. This tends to be a problem. When other people are angry, even if I know it is not at me, I am afraid. Even if it is something completely unrelated to me. If my sister is mad at my parents for not letting her go out somewhere with her friends, I am afraid.
The more tired or stressed I become, the less capable I am of distinguishing between actual threats and perceived ones. So things that would just make me minorly uncomfortable, like someone complaining about how their boss made them work over the weekend, or even things that on a good day wouldn't upset me at all, like complaining about failed experiments, will make me afraid. And then I want to run and hide.
But of course, I can't hide under my desk at work.
For several reasons.
Partially, the floor is disgusting.
Also, I know that if people saw me hiding, then they would be concerned and ask if I was ok. And that would lead to more human interaction when I do not want it.
When I am especially afraid, all questions are a threat.
I used to tell my parents to "Stop yelling" when they were saying things, without even a raised voice, when I knew that there was something wrong, maybe I was in trouble or a sister was in trouble. There's something I don't quite have the word for still. It isn't yelling, because it doesn't require a raised voice. It's a-something-is-wrong voice and it makes me afraid, even though I know I should be safe.
I don't know why I have this fear. I am not afraid of my parents. They did not unfairly punish me. Usually, they were pretty explicit about what I had done wrong and why it was not ok and what was going to happen as a result. The reasons were pretty explicit reasons, usually safety related or you-aren't-allowed-to-hit-your-sister related. And the results were usually pretty reasonable punishments like apologizing to my sisters or going to my room to calm down or extra chores to make up for creating an unreasonable mess. There is no clear reason why I should have this fear of conflict.
I think part of the reason I am afraid is because I am never sure WHAT is wrong. Is it anger or tiredness or frustration? Even with boyfriend, even with my family, I can't pick up on tired versus angry. It makes behavior unpredictable.
And lack of predictability is frightening.
And if I can't handle the possibility that someone I know and trust and love might be upset, then when it is someone I don't know, it can be especially terrifying. This is one reason why I try to stay away from all the activism and issues and current events and internet things that are always going on. Because I can't handle them and they make me want to hide.
And that is maybe ok, to only float around the edges and contribute my personal stories. To share bits of happiness and some struggles. I should be good at floating around the edges by now. I've done it my whole life.
Because it is maybe ok to prioritize being safe and feeling safe.
Labels: autism, autism acceptance, being safe is ok, emotions, faces, fear, fitting in, my brain, my parents, when I was younger