In high school, I had one best friend, L. We had all our classes together, except I took French and she took Spanish. We sat in the hallways studying together before school, we read books together at breaks and at lunch. When we hung out on weekends, we would hang out at her house (or sometimes at mine, but usually at hers). I had other friends, too, but I never hung out with them without L. It just wasn't and interaction thing that I did.
On days that L. did not come to school (which was very rare, but happened a few times), I was completely lost. The times I knew she wasn't going to be there (like college visits) were fine; I could plan ahead and bring books to read or work on math or read for class during breaks. I could find places to sit by myself instead of wandering to find her. When she was unexpectedly not there, I struggled. I would wander around and around, trying to find her. Even if it was after a class that I had that she was usually in, so I knew she wasn't at school today, I still would look for her. I wouldn't be sure what to do.
Then we graduated high school, and L. went to the Naval Academy, and then went to (is in) med school and got married (last week!). She's always been bad at non-in-person-communication, so we see each other a few times a year, and I send lots of emails, but that's all. It's great to see her, but she isn't the friend that I center my life around anymore, because our lives are so different.
In college, I had another friend. We actually were acquaintances in high school, in the small group of girls that took all the same AP classes. C and I both majored in the same thing. Almost all of the friends I met in college (with boyfriend being a notable exception), I met through her. Including two other girls that I became almost as close of friends with. They answered my questions and were in many of my classes with me. They were lab partners and fellow TAs. I always had one of them to rely on in pretty much any social situation I was in. They were the friends I went on the Disneyworld trip which was my first big traveling-without-adults-trip and were safe when I melted down in Walmart. C. was my friend with whom I travelled through Europe for 6 weeks.
C. is much better at internetting than L, so we do talk really frequently. There is pretty much a constant thread of communication going. (I talk to the other girls frequently, too, but not quite as much.) But she isn't physically here, she is no longer participating in basically all my interactions ever. I don't have the same person (and set of persons) in all parts of my life.
I have always had one (or a small group of) close friend(s) who I did everything with. Social and school. I'm lost right now, without my gateway friend. I don't have one to be safe. For me to follow around as I get used to the new social environment. To have in all my classes (I don't really have anymore classes). To eat with and sit with and talk with. To be my buffer from the world.
Boyfriend does a lot of this, when he is able to. But he lives a 40 minute drive away right now. He has his own work and isn't really integrated into this social group. They are friendly with him, just like C. and co were friendly to him. But he is usually not here.
I have to remember a few things. That I have only been here a year, and it took me a year to meet L. It took me a year before I was really close friends with C. That it isn't fair to rely on one person to be a buffer between me and the world, to help me feel safe and facilitate social interactions. I find grad school weird because it is a combination of school and a job, it seems, where you sort of still have your main social circle being other students, though.
But I miss having one close friend who shared every part or almost every part of my day-to-day life. I miss having someone safe who is reliably around at school and at social activities.
Labels: autism, boyfriend, change, emotions, fitting in, friends, me, when I was younger