This is a follow-up to "Being useful. Today is not me."
I was sad and upset and crying and hiding when I wrote that.
I was trying not to talk to or call boyfriend (because he was asleep and really wasn't sure even if calling him would help either because I don't really know if it would wake him up after a marathon or if he would be all that coherent.)
So I wanted to write to organize my ideas and get my thoughts written down and maybe ask for help just a little bit.
And it worked.
I've been thinking about Nattily and Autisticook's responses.
And especially this one like from autisticook.
"Because so much of what you write is about others."
And it is true.
So much of it.
That one sentence has stuck with me the most for days.
I talk about other people a lot, because that is where I get confused, I think.
I know generally where I stand, in regards to myself. If I could be in a closed system with just my family and a few close friends, I would be perfectly happy. (Well, I would like to have input of facts and information, but I would have no need to meet new people.) But I know that wouldn't work, because most of my family and most of my friends would want other people in their systems.
I tend to have a person that I use to center my relationships with everyone else around.
In high school, I had one friend. There were other people we hung out with at lunch and did extracurricular activities with and such, and I had friendly acquaintances in a lot of my honors classes.
But even when I hung out with them, it was always with my one other friend.
And so I got in a habit of orientating my life around other people.Of having one person that I could fit my social life around. And who I could follow around. And center my (social) life around (not including stuff with family, which was really a large portion of what I did.) The organizational point of my interactions.
So college was weird when I had 4 equally good friends. Because I didn't know how to handle those dynamics. (They still sort of confusing me, even though I've had it explained to me several times. Basically, it is that any combination of the 4 people can hang out and have fun. Which shouldn't be complicated. But it is.)
And now, friendships are possibly crystallizing here. I'm not really sure. I know in college I missed the making-friends stage of time (I caught up, but it took a year). I am not going to do that here.
And so I base so much of my life around other people. Because they are the confusing element. But I like them. I need (some) people in my life. So I try to rearrange myself so that I fit into their life.
I've been trained to accommodate them. To fit my life around the least inconvenience. To try not to offend them. To inconvenience myself if it works out better for them. And I've been told that is ok, because it is polite. And the kind, helpful thing to do.
But it goes both ways. Other people (especially friends and family) sometimes inconvenience themselves for me, too. If I do it for them, it is ok for them to do it for me.
And I really should try and fit my life around me.
Especially here, in this space.
Because really, this blog is about me. If I want to, I can talk about myself all day. I can think about myself and be selfish. I don't need to worry about offending people if I don't want to not worry. It might become extremely boring and self-indulgent and obnoxious, but if I want to, I can.
Because this is for me.
And I still want to be able to help.
I want to be supportive.
When things go wrong, I want to be able to help make them right, just like you are able to.
But if I am crying in a ball on the floor, I really can't be of any help to anyone else. So I need to take care of myself first. Because I need to be functioning in order to help.
So sometimes I will have to show my unhappy stims even if it means people will know I am unhappy or stressed. And trust boyfriend to know his immediate needs and when he is capable of taking care of himself and when he needs to focus on just himself or when he can help me too, even a little. (He's probably good at that. He's a pretty smart guy.)
Labels: asking for help, boyfriend, coping mechanism, fitting in, grad school, me, meltdown