I like things to stay the same.
I like when people stay the same.
I want to be a clingy clingy girlfriend, but I can't even really do that because he isn't physically here, and it is hard to be clingy when you don't see people in person. Because I want to just curl up in a ball all day and have boyfriend hug me forever, but I can't because he isn't here. That's a once-a-week-thing, if schedules coincide and work out well.
I want someone to direct my life again. It was so nice when I was home and I did not have to decide the structure of my life. When food was just automatically produced at the times to eat. Time to sleep and time to wake up was generally predicted. Activities were planned.
I want to cling to things that are the same.
I don't want to be a new real adult person.
I don't want things to change.
I've been watching Arthur because it reminds me of things staying the same.
Always the same intro.
Always the same people.
Always the same age.
But that's not real life.
I have no idea how I am going to get through the self-structured-self-ordered grad school life for the next undetermined-amount-of-time-that-is-probably-between-five-and-seven-years.
I want structure.
I want order.
I want someone to tell me what to do.
I try googling for answers. But google doesn't answer "what should I do with my life" or "what should I eat for dinner" or "what is wrong with me" or "please help me" or "what should I do now" or "I am lonely" or "why is boyfriend still at work" or so many other things.
Google is not at adequate support network.
And the worst part, is I know that I have
one. But I don't utilize it. I know I can call my parents and talk. They have told me that several times. But Sundays are the day I call my parents. That is the day that I call them. And I don't---can't---tell people about this blah-ness
, this I'm-not-sure-what's-wrong-but-I'm-lost
, the something is wron
Clingy clingy clingy clingy clingy clingy clingy. I just want things to be right and not wrong, so when I find moments that are more right, I want to grab them and not let go.
Labels: alexithymia, asking for help, autistic?, boyfriend, disability, emotions, me, my brain